The Challenge of Relationships 2

The one thing I understand about successful relationships is that it will always take two to make it work. I’ve had enough of them to know, both great ones and not so great ones. The great ones I’ve experienced are those in which I was able to maintain a sense of self within it. And this is probably the most important factor in any relationship. A sense of self. And I can hear a few of you asking “What the heck do you mean by ‘sense of self’, I know who I am and I’ll defend myself to the hilt!” Well, the truth is this, if you knew who you were in the first place you wouldn’t have to defend yourself. When you know what and who you really are underneath all the bullshit and bravado, you’d know that you have nothing to defend. Believe me, I’ve been there, and it’s a bloody awful place to be to feel you have to defend who and what you are all the time. The only reason the defence is there in the first place is because you are unsure of what you actually stand for; you are being tossed around by perceptions of what others think about you, and you don’t like it…especially when it comes to your partners.So, the most obvious relationship to foster, first up, is the one with yourself…you, the one in your mind and you, the one that is your essence or spirit…that makes the two of you.I’ll repeat it; “it takes two of you to make it work”

Our partners know us well; they see our depth (or lack of it), they sense our anger, emptiness, happiness, confidence (or lack thereof), they can sense when we are lying, depressed, hurt, and they know when we withdraw because of our lack of confidence within ourselves. And we don’t like it because, unconsciously, we are showing our true colours to them but not willing to admit it openly to them or to ourselves in the first place. We talk about “self-worth” and “self-esteem” as if they were real and another embodiment of whom we are, when in actual fact they don’t actually exist. You see, this is one of the issues that men face in today’s world. We seem to think we have to put on a mask to disguise that we really are just another person going through our own crap and we are…weak! We fight like hell to preserve what we think is our self-respect, our self-worth and self-esteem as if it really matters, when in actual fact it doesn’t! If they don’t exist, why would it matter? In my last blog, I mentioned that men have a “perceived weakness”, and the “perceived weakness” is exactly what I’m talking about. The weakness is the internal fight against what you perceive your weaknesses actually  are. You are at war with and within yourself. But, (with a sigh of resignation) I can see all too clearly that we have done this to ourselves. The sooner we own up to it the better. And our partners can see all of this, and they care enough to stay with us until they themselves reach a breaking point after which there may not be any return…relationship-wise anyway. So, let me say it again, “the weakness is the internal fight against what you perceive are your weaknesses”. In the understanding of that statement, you may be able to see that the answers can only be found within you…now tell me you know who and what you are!

The one thing I now to be true is this;  if you are unable to take a close look inside and accept those “perceived weaknesses”, you will carry on projecting your anger and frustration, outwardly, to the ones you love. You know it’s not meant to be this way, and so do your partners and kids. But they are the ones that get more than their fair share of the anger and frustrations. And here’s the thing, no-one is unable to look inside themselves…absolutely no-one at all! Now, I don’t want you to think that this is your issue only; I’m just saying that for men in relationships, this is the “big one”. Your partners would want to do exactly the same thing, because their reactions are going to be from their fears and weaknesses within too. But, guys, that’s not your issue!! Your issue is to take a look at yourself first and foremost, deal with your own crap, which will allow your partner to deal with hers!

Yep, I get what you are saying and feeling. “All I’ve ever wanted to do is be there and help him/her, provide for them (kids as well), and I just can’t seem to do it well enough. I can see him/her hurting, I dive in to help and come out burnt (or they don’t appear to appreciate it).”  Yep, correct! That’s because you are coming from a place of fear yourself. What I’ve learnt (the hard way) is to be able to direct him/her to their own place of comfort, which can only be found within them. How can you do that unless you do it yourself? You want to be seen as someone with the ability to help, and yet you can’t seem to do it for yourself. That’s why you have the internal dialogue above, you know that you can’t help adequately but you still dare to go where angels fear to tread! The only answer is to discover your “self” for you. It’s quite a journey, but when you see the truth of what I am saying, only then will you be able to help anyone…including yourself. Can you see that unless you are coming from that place of love rather than fear, you will not be able to help anyone at all? At best, you will only frustrate the hell out of yourself and your partner and kids.

The major thing I have learnt as a counsellor, is to listen and be ready to assist the client to look inside. There’s no way I would want to push the other person into doing anything that I think is correct. For one, it’s too much hard work and secondly, I know that if I was to do that, I would be manipulating a situation to make myself look good or have things done my way. It means I’m coming from a place of fear. That’s not my job and it’s not your job as a partner. Coming from a place of love means to be able to assist the other to discover the “one within”. That is actually empowering the other person to discover their own answers and authentic life. Not only is it empowering the other person/partner but it is extremely empowering for you. And that is love, ultimately. It’s a healing thing!!

So, here’s a question, what are your weaknesses and what are you going to do about them? In the discovery of your weaknesses you will discover your strengths. And you can only find that in one place…within you!

If you want to discuss this at any stage I can be contacted on: or phone me on 0474 570 063, I am also available on Skype, but, please  email me for an appointment first. Or you may consider enrolling in one of the workshops on this page: Men Alive Workshops or visit


The Challenge of Relationships

In the last few blogs, I’ve discussed men owning up to themselves and becoming what and who they really are in their relationships and in society. We need real men out there. Bloody hard to find though, and women are finding it hard to find them too. I also discussed, that maybe we men aren’t as bad as we think or believe we are, based on society’s current view of men. Society and all its rules and expectations have quite literally cut our balls off. Is that society’s fault? I believe it is!!! But we men are a part of that society and we have created a lot of it for ourselves anyway. It has nothing to do with feminist groups or anything like that. We are going to get that anyway. But now we have a case of feminist groups and Men’s rights groups, all having a go at each other about abuse (and more) but they are being just as abusive at each other and have forgotten the point. But, again, that’s another story. (Be sure on this, I have absolutely nothing against such groups and the people who organise them).

Men perceive themselves as weak (either knowingly or unknowingly), and it’s because of this perceived weakness that men become abusive (and by the way, that’s no excuse for abuse). Yes, it’s the same with women, too. Both genders have become so bloody defensive, that neither can see the wood for the trees, and because of the defense, both genders have become abusive in their own way. Men, our women have become more men than ourselves, and then we have the arrogance to complain that they’re not whom we first met! And the women are thinking the same thing…”Where is the man in my life that I first met?” is the common question that I hear during Relationship Counselling. When our partners say this within our “ear shot”, guys, we become defensive and arrogant. Our consequent actions leave a hell of a lot to be desired. Guys, the fact is, is that if we men took the initiative and started the all important work within ourselves, this would allow our partners to become the women and partners we know they are. The issue is, though, the majority of us don’t have a clue as to what to do or where to go to be given the clue! But it’s right there in front of you. It has been from the day you were born.

In another blog (“Just Back Off”), I pointed to the fact that we don’t know what and who we really are, and, my friends, this is the “bottom line issue”. All the issues in relationships can be derived from this very simple fact. It’s simple to know it but not as easy to correct it. And this is what I wanted to discuss in this blog. This is so important, guys!!! I know your partners will read this but maybe not you. Or you may read it but fob it off because it may cut to the marrow. Again, I apologize if it’s not what you want to read or hear. And you know what…that’s ok. Because the men who do read this and hear their inner selves calling them back to manhood, this is for you. You’re beginning to grow some real balls and that’s fantastic!! Read on Macduff!!

Now the main focus of this blog is to challenge all you wonderful men to discover who you’re not. And you may be querying yourself as to how you do this. The first part is real easy.

  1.  Close your eyes and allow your mind to go back to the last time you reacted to your partner in a way that wasn’t helpful to the relationship (and please don’t get trapped in the “blame game”, your mind may want to take you in the direction of “Well it was her fault she said…”). Just “observe” the experience without any judgment what so ever.
  2. Now, once you see the reactions that you that you had, ask yourself this question…”Did I really want to hurt her in the way I did?” The answer to this question is showing you who you are not!!
  3. Was there any remorse for your part in the reaction?
  4. How do you think you would liked to have reacted? The answer to the last question is vital, because this is showing you who you are!

That’s a beginning of discovering who you are not and beginning the journey of discovering who you really are! A fairly simple beginning isn’t it, but I would like to suggest that you already knew the answers before this blog, but maybe not aware or conscious of them.

And yep, I can hear you complaining that in times of reaction you just can’t control it. Yeh I understand that part too, that’s why the next step is really, really important. The above “process” is accompanied with an exercise book and a pen…so you can write it, remember it and connect with it. It’s called “journaling” for those who are wondering. And…you can keep it to yourself or share it with your partner…at this stage…just you keep it to yourself. This is you getting intimate with you and intimacy is something you’d want to protect…at this stage of the journey.

Once you’ve discovered the “who you are”, the next step is to focus your conscious mind on that one bit of information as often as possible…then begin to be it, which means “live and act your newly found self”. You may have to “think” it for a while until you can “feel it” as being an integral part of you. But you see, that’s the easy part…you will begin to know that this “new you” was already you in the first place. Take your time with it…don’t rush the process of change. That will happen naturally of its own accord.

One of the things you will experience when doing this process, is fear. This is quite normal but can be uncomfortable. It’s ok. Don’t fight the fear just look at it and go through the same process as above, except the question you’d want to ask is: “What am I experiencing now, and what am I fearing?” The answer will come, but from the feelings and thoughts inside of you, not from anything outside of you. In short, just “observe” the feelings and thoughts without falling into the trap of connecting with them. 

The main observation to learn from this is to understand that the relationships outside of you (partner, wife, kids, friends, work, etc) are suffering because of the lack of intimacy and depth of relationship with your “self”. As you discover “self”, the exterior relationships will change all on their own. Try it!

My next blog will carry on with this theme of “connection with self” and the continuing focus on discovery of what and who you are. I can promise you this…you will be very surprised at what you discover. You will discover the real man inside.

If you’re experiencing problems with this contact me on: +61 474 570 063 or email me on Or fill out the form below. Again, thanks for reading

“Just Back Off”

I’ve discussed the issue of men and their perceived “fears and weaknesses” and how it’s impacting on their lives but before I go into that in a detailed way, I want to discuss one of the major reasons why relationships blow up in the first place. And this is important and not to be taken lightly.

If you have a good look at your life, and any problem associated with it, you may find that you are looking at things and people as the ones that define who you are. In other words you are missing the most important ingredient in life. You! Maybe, if I can explain it this way; there was an advert on TV a few years back in which two lovers were sitting on the couch and discussing what they meant to each other and the young women made this comment “I love him…he…just completes me in every way (with the fluttering eye leashes)” and the guy was looking fairly pleased with himself. Yeh, it was a spoof type ad, but it is so completely wrong in its message. But this is how we live our relationships within the exterior world, including our relationships with our partners and family.

What it actually infers is that we are not complete until we have what we want…on the outside. I’ve asked many clients (in fact it’s a stock question I ask), “Do you know who you are?” and the common answer is a blank look and a puzzled expression with the answer being one of these two:

  1. “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it before” or
  2. “Well, I do this for a job and I have two kids and I own a boat, a jet ski, and I love listening to Pink Floyd when I get a bit stoned, and my wife well she’s devoted to me, etc”.

The first answer I like…at least it’s honest. The second answer is a misunderstanding of the question. The second answer is only telling me what you do and what you’ve got. Not who!! It’s a common mistake but a serious one. Actually, both answers are serious, for obvious reasons. Firstly if you don’t know who you really are then you’re lost…or incomplete…insecure. Secondly, if you think that “who you are” is associated with what you do and what you’ve got, you are also very much in danger. What happens when you lose your job, lose the boat and Jet Ski and the wife and kids make a run for it (because they will if you’re like this)? Your sense of self (or who you think you are) disappears…you become lost…insecure…and incomplete.

We have a tendency to look at the outside world as if is our “Savior”. But in the relationship, we do the same thing. We can look at our partners as if “they will complete me”. You may disagree with me but hear me out first. If you need someone else in a relationship to complete you, then you are automatically admitting that you’re incomplete (that’s the first bit), and when that “perfect someone else” says something wrong does something without your knowledge or permission or just happens to have a sideways glance at a pair of legs walking past or a muscle mutt walking by…all hell breaks loose…because now…you don’t feel completed. In fact, now you feel jilted, insecure and jealous. The next thing to follow are the accusations and the projection of guilt. Rationality has now left the building, and the slinging match begins until someone breaks…and maybe some things!  Please understand this…no one has the remote possibility of completing you…because you already are complete…you just don’t know it yet.

To know yourself; that is to say, to know what and who you are, and understand where that “what and who” comes from is the most self empowering knowledge you can have. Many say that this is a spiritual thing but I don’t think it is. Yes it is called “enlightenment” but it is a fact, and once you dive inside yourself and discover yourself, you will come to a very quick understanding that no thing or person can define who and what you are. You will discover your authenticity and create a new reality for your life from that paradigm.

Now, I’m pointing this at men, but ladies this goes for you too. In a relationship sense, if you look at the relationship as an investment. Each of you owns a 50% share holding in that investment. And that “share” is YOU, and you are each responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of that share. The upkeep and maintenance of that share is the commitment to discovering your own authenticity. Otherwise you remain exactly as you are and stagnate…that stagnation translates into the relationship.

Relationships are meant to grow and transform…not stagnate. They stagnate because there is no growth in either one or both partners. As soon as one partner becomes “enlightened” to the fact that their partner is not growing, they try to help the situation. It is really NOT about you helping the “significant other” maintain themselves…that’s their issue not yours. You are there to support them in whatever way you can to maintain themselves…but you are not there to help them do it. The very second you enter into helping them; you are entering into a sacred area of life where angels themselves would fear to tread! And you will come out burnt nearly every time.

Supporting the other is very different from helping. Just think on this for a few minutes and hopefully you’ll get it. When you decide to get your hands dirty and “help” your partner with an issue, you have (believe it or not) judged them and their issue and have already, in your own mind, come up with a solution that’s all good…for you! They have had no part in this decision making at all. That’s what you call “controlling”! Yeh, I know….that’s not what you wanted to do, it’s ok…it’s a mistake that many of us do because we love the other. Supporting your partner is so completely different. Supporting them is really seeing the best and believing the best in your partner (not seeing their faults) and just being there, comforting, encouraging, maybe holding them and allowing the tears to fall on your shoulder (with ya mouth firmly shut!) and your total focus on knowing how fantastic they are for dealing with their issue in the first place (again with your mouth firmly shut!)…your actions of tenderness, care, love and support will speak so much louder than anything you could possibly say. Or they may just want some time out to be alone and think…allow that!!! It’s not about you. I’ve met a lot of couples who do this and they have an amazing relationship, albeit, they still have their low times. They have learnt to grow through it, not entertain it and drown in it. So the question may pop up “What the hell are we doing that’s so wrong?”  Well, these “successful” couples have learnt, somewhere in life, that they don’t “need” each other to have a loving relationship. They have learnt the importance of allowing their loved ones time out to maintain themselves. There is no fear, judgment, jealousy and lack of trust. They know that to expect their partner to complete them is causing so much added stress to them…and those expectations are insane. They know that it’s a recipe for disaster for the relationship, and they love their partner so much, all they seek is their partners’ freedom by seeking it within themselves first.  I’m not writing this from a “viewers” perspective though, I write this from pure experience. I’ve been in exactly the same position as you and I can tell you now, that to begin to understand the “what and who you are”  inside of you only, will change your whole perspective on life, including all your relationships. The seemingly impossible starts to happen and that is the miracle. You are it!!!

I’ll leave it there and hopefully you will understand what I’m banging on about.

If you want to get in touch here’s my phone number and email. Or just fill out the form below and Ill be in touch. Thanks for reading.

Mobile: +61 474 570 063 or email:

Men, Not Such a Bad Bunch After All.

At 58 years old (or young!!) you’d have thought I seen this earlier, but I didn’t. Too damned focused on everything else instead of my self. Men…Hello!!!! Are you there? Hello…Hello??? Just want to say…”We’re not such a bad bunch after all”…Hello???

I came to a point in life, not so long ago, where I had to have a bloody good look in the mirror and see if all the accusations were true or not. Huh…they werent, but I found something else. What I learnt was I was so focused on the accusations that I began to believe they were true. The power of suggestion…how wonderful it is but dangerous in the wrong hands!! But let’s be honest, guys, we’ve got to admit that we are all feeling the pressure to get “it” right. We are feeling the pressure of a lot of accusations that we know just aren’t correct. We’ve come to a point where we are feeling it from society in which the male population has been demonized, and then we get it at home too. Right now, in this present time, life isn’t easy being a man (and the same for women too)…It’s called political correctness. I don’t give a toss what its call…all I can say is that it has put a lot of pressure on us to “get it right”. Admit it…we feel it don’t we? And because of that pressure we are on guard…not able to be ourselves.

We know, for instance, that we desire to be recognised for the contribution we put into our families and partners. We work our arses off, and then receive a barrage of complaints when we get home. The wife or partner isn’t happy with this or with that and the kids want/need something…the bloody dog barks at nothing in particular or the damned cat decides to sit on us leaving a gift of fur behind (with the added bonus of a new set of steak knives in the form of its claws if we decide to stand up!) but through all this…all we are wanting at this point is some peace and quiet. “Just leave me alone…I need to relax…what more do I have to do!!! Yep, peace, quiet, some loving and appreciation for our involvement and contribution. That’s not unreasonable I would have thought. And we work so bloody hard for it. And if we don’t get that understanding; the peace, love, recognition and appreciation…we bottom out after a period of time. Some of us, when the frustration and anger gets far too much, seek consolation at the bottom of a bottle or six each night, or the anger really takes over and we can get fairly abusive in an act of defense, but we know we didn’t want to do that ( be abusive to the one we love). But that adds to the guilt of not being good enough for the ones we love and working so hard for, topped off by the added pressure of society’s judgement and criticism. Some of us, turn the anger and frustration inward, and become depressed until…well…we just want to end it all, and some of the finest men have done this (ended it all)…sad!!! And why? Because, at the end of the day, we are just wanting and trying to do the best we can, under the circumstances, especially for the ones we love. I think to say that men have been misunderstood is an understatement of epic proportions. But I think we need to be a bit more honest than that, the ones who have misunderstood men are the men themselves.

You now, guys, I do really get this whole thing. There aren’t a lot that do, I reckon. I’ve been going through this very same thing for quite a number of years…40 plus years to be honest. We are being misunderstood because we are misunderstanding ourselves and our reason for living in the first place. If we are going to be honest enough to get ourselves out of this unholy mess we would really want to have a good look at our fears in life. No…don’t bullshit me!!! You’ve got fears!!! Admit to them! I’m no space cadet reading from some bloody useless book! I’m one of you…I’ve got fears, but I’ve been forced to acknowledge them, accept them and be at peace with them. Previous to that I was fighting them…and this caused more damage than anything I’ve ever encountered within myself. So I do get it. I understand it fully. This is why “Men Alive” was created (by a great man!!! Not me though).

Anyway, this is about men and their relationships…with themselves and their partners, their children, parents and society. Pretty damned important I would have thought. In my last blog I asked the question “Where are they”, but knowing that the men are here…in you right now…and society, your partners, your children (and dogs and cats) need you right now. Yeh, its bloody hard, I know that. But I’m pleading with you to read this and listen to your real self. You know it already, that you love and are wanting to give that love in whatever form you can show it. AND, you’re wanting to be loved…in all the forms it appears. And that’s great! But those fears, whatever they are, are the very things holding you back.

Lets get even more real here. Each of us men; actually guys, every single one of you, have a story to tell. One that is so important, that when you decide to drop everything and recognize who and what you are, will not only change yourselves and your perception on life, but will change society. When I say “drop everything”, I’m not talking about your work or your physical activities…I’m talking about those things hidden deep inside of you that are holding you back from being the strength; the compass that your partners, children and society are screaming out for. When you find this “story” and live it (accepting and acknowledging your fears…welcoming them as the teachers they are) you will become a leader in your own right and in your own way. Society and it’s judgements will have no choice but to change its opinion.

Youre first mission, should you decide to accept it…is to acknowledge your weaknesses. Weaknesses are not your fears. Your fears are created by the wrong perception of the weaknesses. Just acknowledge them; see that they are there and say “G’day” to them. They are a very important part of who and what you are. One of the first weakness I had to acknowledge was not being able to talk to someone about all my crap and fears. And I think it’s probably the same with the majority of men. Why the hell would we want to expose our weaknesses to anyone. But thats not the point. Even your partners know and understand that one. Thats why they have their “girls meetings”. They talk…and relatively freely! And in depth. Guys, thats something we dont do. We need to learn this well. Its called becoming vulnerable. C’mon guys, or should I say “men’…stop fighting yourselves and create a bit of breathing room. Get out of your own way!!

You know, the women in our lives are our best ally in life. They fell in love with the man they knew we were. And heres the thing…they still love the man we were and are in love with the “man of potential” that we are, but in many cases have become frustrated with the lack of positive movement within ourselves. And they wait, having faith that something will happen…and when it doesnt the possibility of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence becomes a very strong temptation. Im not saying that this is a correct way to handle it, by the way, ladies. For you to decide that to happen, theres something missing for you too. Please ladies, just try to understand that your man is feeling his weaknesses and is fighting them because he believes he has to be strong…for you. Yep, I know…hes not getting it. Believe me he will eventually and he doesnt need your help to do it. He just needs to feel loved and accepted, just like you.

I realise that Ive almost written another book, so Im going to finish this off for this particular blog. If any of this resonates with you, and you want to change things in your life; to become that man that you now you already are…crunch that first fear and come and have a chat with me. Take a first positive step, face the fear and call me. Or if you dont want to call me thats ok…but find someone who will listen and give you some real advice from life, not a book!!!. 

One last thing, I was asked by someone a few days ago “Tony, why do you do this and how?”. My answer is simply this. “Im a man, Im a passionate man; passionate about men and passionate about myself. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life and if I can pass on a bit of wisdom gleaned from those wonderful mistakes then I will. Im passionate to see men become real with themselves, passionate to see their partners loved totally and their partners love them totally. When that happens on a global scale the world will heal itself. If I have to do this one man at a time, then that will have to do. And as to how…my passion is my drive.”

Im going to revisit this in my next blog. So look out for it.

If you want to call me Mobile +61 474 570063 or email me on Thanks for reading.

Okay guys…own up!

Men Alive Counselling being what it is and what it stands for, sees many women coming in and discussing their issues with regard to their relationships; husband’s,  partners, children etc. Um…I’m trying to figure out whether this is an oxymoron or not. But that’s the way it is. Since operating Men Alive Counselling, I’ve always wondered where the men are…but the same question is being asked by their women!!! And not only that but the same question is being asked by many single women…and…by men themselves!!

It’s ok ladies, I know where they are! They are the men you married or in partnership with or seeking to have a relationship with…they just don’t know it…yet!! Yep, don’t despair they are there.

The problem is with us men is that we don’t like to feel too much. In fact, I’d say the majority of men haven’t been taught that to have a decent two way, loving relationship…ya gotta feel. (Keep it clean guys…Im not talking about your hands!!). Many of the comments from partners, wives, etc is that their men are heartless. Not a great report really. But it’s not that we can’t,  it’s more to the point that men have forgotten who and what they really are. Men!!! Someone with the balls to stand up for what they believe is true and correct, a man with sensitivity to know who and what they are, with the ability to look at themselves in the mirror and take ownership of their fears, weaknesses and perceived failings and make the changes from within. And that, guys, is the fact of it. I mean, what sort of examples of real men are there anyway? There are actually quite a few but they remain hidden from view because they don’t really like the spotlight on them. They just get on with it.

Yes, guys, I know…I know. “But she puts me down”, “She doesn’t trust me”, “I just can’t seem to get it right…she bloody nags me to the point of desperation and then I blow my lid. It’s her fault because she baits me and then wonders why I get abusive.”, or here’s another good one…”I work my arse off to provide for her and what thanks do I get? We don’t have any fun in the sack anymore…so stuff her. It’d be nice to have a bit of sex for all the work I do”. Yep, I get it guys, I hear ya! I hear it everyday!

I want to ask you something though. You love her yes? You don’t want to lose the relationship yes? Then why act the way you do toward the one who loves you and the one whom you, apparently, love? Yes I could very well ask the same question of the wives and partners as well. And I do when they come in.  And the answers I get are pretty much the same. “Because he/she pushed my buttons and pissed me off!”. Well that’s a great starting point to be quite honest. What are your buttons? Why have you got the buttons in the first place? It’s great they can be exposed the way they are by the person who loves you. THATS WHY THEY ARE THERE!! (No not the buttons…the partners!!) Our partners expose our weaknesses so we can build upon what we learn about ourselves and have the guts to make the changes necessary. It’s called love and it goes both ways…she will expose your weaknesses and you will expose hers. What a great relationship! The mirror image effect in full operation.

Guys, our issues within relationships are caused by our own fears. I’m sure if you had a real good look at the frustrations and anger, you’d see that you are reacting to something within you that the angel youre partnered with has brought into the light of day. The only way to heal this problem is to own up to your weaknesses, accept them unreservedly, and then go inside yourself to discover your real self. You know, the strong, loving, compassionate, understanding, passionate man within. It’s called “discovering the real you”. Or…becoming One with yourself. Knowing what and who you really are and living that person without fear. Knowing who you are so well and being unafraid to BE that great men. We are it, you know, but we have to discover it within.

And how do I know this? I’ve been through it for the last 40 or so years of my life but no more than the last 9 years. I’ve been through it like no other (at least that’s how it seems). But I discovered that the reason for all the strife was the perfect challenge to help me discover the man that I really am. I just had to learn to be more aware and become a hell of a lot more conscious. It’s a process to be learnt but I can and will show you, if you’re up to it.

Now, to be fair…the same applies to your partners, guys. No they don’t get off that easily. Ladies, you know who you are also, but you fear being that which you are because of the treatment you are getting from your men…or it could have been further back than your current partner. The main thing to understand is for you too, to dive inside and acknowledge your fears and buttons. Relinquish your grip on them and BE what and who you really are…because the hunk that you’re with is really wanting you to be you too. Just imagine if both of you were on the same page. The ground would move underneath you, for sure, and it would be felt half way around the world.

But enough, I’ve probably said far too much and you’re getting bored or fidgety. Guys, there’s plenty out there you can do to become the man you know you are. I’m not saying I’m the only one with the answer…but I am saying I handle this sort of thing in my own way. You may like the way I handle things. Don’t be frightened, I don’t bite…come and have a chat. Lets see where it heads and see if it can be of any help. And ladies…well you just keep coming in. I have a lot to learn from you!

Phone: +61 474 570 063


Following Conviction 

The Changing Face of Men Alive Counselling continued.

You may or may not have been reading my blogs, it doesn’t really matter. In recent months I’ve been experiencing a far deeper and meaningful relationship with myself, or within myself really. It’s funny to read that…even while I’m typing and rereading it. A deeper relationship with myself!!! It’s great isn’t it!! What it actually means for me is that I have discovered a part of me that has been there from year dot and didn’t know it or at the very least had forgotten it.

Reading other people’s books and gaining an understanding of their experience of life through what we call God, seemed to serve as a reminder of why I’m here in the first place. I read a book a while back, and in it was something quite I interesting. The author suggested that when we read something that resonates within us, because of the Oneness of humanity through God, we actually wrote it through the author, knowing that at some stage in the future, we would read it to remind us of what and who we are. I found that quite interesting, because if I apply that same thought to reading the Bible, then it would seem that I wrote it to remind myself who and what I am now. Actually, if I extend that further…we all wrote it!

So, in understanding the deeper relationship with myself, I then came to an undeniable knowledge that Tony is Tony and I’m ok, thanks very much. But another realization boomed into me. That God is just as real and He is also me and that has been the case from the day of my birth and from the beginning of time. Now, we can call this a belief if you wish, but this is what I call a conviction. It goes far beyond thought and feeling…it is a knowing. And within that knowing is peace, love and certainty.

I had an experience the other day during a time of meditation, in which I was meditating on God. I went beyond thought and feeling. I don’t even know, adequately, how to explain it in words, but in one sense it was unsettling and in another it was as if I was outside of the known experience of life as I knew it and extremely peaceful. I realized , in that instance all was possible for me; all my dreams were a reality. My dreams of seeing people healed, free of all the negative crap in their lives, free of sickness, the world a place of peace and love were real…in that instance. It seemed like I was in this place for quite a long time and I didn’t want to leave it. Quite honestly it was overwhelming. And it think that “overwhelming” part of it, scared the hell out of me and was suddenly back into the “land of the living” or out of my meditation anyway. I had a quick look at my phone and I’d  only been in meditation for about 2 minutes! But I’ve been shaken to the core by this experience. I realized a bit later, that some of the books I’ve been reading that have talked about the “paradox” of life, and that we are actually living in a dream (or nightmare) are correct.

My understanding of this experience, is that our dreams are real; more real than the life we are living right now. I’ve known this for a long time but never experienced it like this. It was like a vision and the vision was coming to fruition. Everything that I know about the ego and it’s ability to keep us away from our dreams or living a life of happiness and peace, in an instance, was confirmed. I don’t want this to sound trite or “hairy fairy” as some would put it, it was a very real experience. But how do I explain it and my feelings and thoughts afterwards…quite frankly I can’t.  I don’t have the words to relate it in human terms adequately. It’s beyond my reach intellectually.

This, though, is where it becomes conviction. This is where the rubber meets the road and I know I have to live what I saw as truth. My whole ideal on life has been changed and even though my ego (that annoying thing that wants to hold me back) is trying to play out its version of the story, I’m holding fast to the vision. It’s a funny thing about the word “conviction”. I think it’s been misunderstood because it is used a lot in the legal sense. But the conviction I’m talking about is the knowing of undeniable truth within and living it. Being true to self and if God is self…anything is possible.

I’ve almost written a book so I’m not going to carry on trying to explain what has happened within me but all I’m want to say is that it’s all good. As I said in my last blog (isn’t blog such a funny word…why the hell did someone call it blog…isn’t to almost a loo thing!!!), but as I was saying, in the last blog, you may think I’m a bit crazy, but I’d rather be this way than someone else’s normal. But here it is for me, I’m going to live my dream…my reality!

How am I going to begin this? Well, here’s the thing…I’ve been shown a way of helping people live a life of peace, love and aaaalllll those things people desire within. For me to be able to pass this on I need to talk about it…to teach it (not that I’m a great teacher)…but if I let go (get out of my own way and let God) I don’t have to concern myself with the intricacies of how.

The reason for me putting this blog out there is this, my conviction is that everyone needs to know how to reach this beingness we have called God, but only those who want it bad enough will learn how. So here’s what I’m going to do. I currently charge $100 per session (1 hour). I’m am now going to put this at $80 per session. The worshop “Heart Centered Alchemy” prices will also be dropped down to something thats more accessible to all, hopefully. You may think I’m crazy, well go ahead and flat out think I’m crazy…you’re probably correct…in the worldly terms. But in the 2 minutes of vision I was shown a lot and any worries about financial stability have been put at rest. I’ve been procrastinating for the last couple of days “thinking” about doing this and it has only delivered more issues. The way I see it is this; what I have been shown (and be sure to understand that I’m not the only one) is not just for me. I have no right to keep this to myself. I’ve been shown it needs to be more accessible to everyone out there. And no strings attached as some of the “Manifesting Your Dreams ” adverts out there would seem to be doing. And I don’t want it to be religious. God forbid!!!

So there you have it. I’m beginning a new chapter of Men Alive Counselling and Tony Kane. PLEASE understand that I’m not the healer…the God in you is. All I want t be able to do is point you in the right direction. If you think this is for you and you want to know how to access this…get in touch with me. I’ll do my best to support you all the way through to discovering that you are you and God is you.

Phone: +61 474 570 063

Thanks for reading.

The Changing Face of Men Alive Counselling

This may come as a surprise to many of you but Men Alive is going through a fairly radical change right now. Since that “great man” Robin passed away, I’ve been grappling with the one thing he said to me about a week before he went into hospital for the final time. We were chatting about the afterlife and what we thought it was…then in true Robin Crawley fashion he changed topics quicker than you could sneeze…he looked at me fair and square in the eyes and said “Tony, mate, you realize that you are going to have to make Men Alive yours don’t you”. I pondered that for a few seconds and said to him “Yep I get that, Robin, and thanks for reminding me” (nicely sarcastic!), to which he really pushed the point in saying “No, Tony, you’re a great man, you’re a lover of people, you are compassionate and caring but when it comes to Men Alive…you need to make it YOUR’S. Allow it to BE you. Allow yourself to BE it. Let your SELF flow through it. I know you can do this, you will do it, you’ll make mistakes but I know you’ll do it…we wouldn’t have chosen you to lead Men Alive otherwise. Just go inside and connect with yourself and allow. You’ll get it, I know.” Then as quick as a flash we started talking about the AFL and how pissed off he was with the “Roos”!!! That was it!!!

While writing this, (in the words of my daughter when she was about 3 years old) “my eyes are leaking water!” My thoughts are that I wish, after all this time after Robin passed over, that I could have done what he said a lot quicker. I thought at the time that I knew what he was talking about and felt confident but the fact is that as the months and years went by, my confidence disappeared, almost completely. I hadn’t wanted to let Robin and Julianne (Robins wife) down, but it was obvious (to me anyway) that I was. But quietly, in the background of my feelings and thoughts, I could almost feel and hear him saying “Great man…you’re doing so well. Don’t give up now!” And I felt spurred on, even though I felt like a total failure. Something inside was giving me the strength to inch ahead, little by little.

Many of you know me well enough to understand that I am a spiritual guy. I love the thought of spirituality, God, and working on myself spiritually to discover the Truth, whatever that may be. And I know that this “spirituality” was the “thing” that was edging me on. It wasn’t Robin as such, but it felt like Robin was there adding support for what was about to happen.

I realized, a while ago that I was discovering things about spirituality that were fairly mind bending at best. And it’s fair to say that this is a part who I am…a seeker. But I discovered I was doing it for the wrong reason. The reason seemed pure but it was fundamentally flawed!!! I wasn’t “seeking” to make myself look good or anything like that (I’m really not that type), but I was seeking to be the best of help for others…yes, you and everyone else that passed through the doors of Men Alive Counselling. And…that was the fundamental flaw. I’d completely forgotten about myself in the whole equation. Actually that’s wrong (not quite correct). I had NEVER put myself first in any situation, let alone seeking Truth just because I needed it for myself, everyone else had to come first. I totally missed the point by a country $#@!ing mile!!! (Yes my domination of the English language is exemplified by a few passionate expletives as well…ain’t apologizing for that). Damn it!! The eyes are leaking again!!! But that’s ok too I reckon.

I also discovered a few weeks back that I had never allowed myself to ask for help (and if I did it was done with a lot of hand wringing and lack of worth within). I never believed that I was allowed to. Strange yeh? But, you see, that is/was caused by a belief within me propagated by a younger life of abuse. When I became aware of this, I damned near fainted. Yep, there’s been a lot come to the surface over the last 18 months or so (and longer actually). I admit, it hasn’t been easy but it’s been the best thing!!! Oh God…and I’m a Counsellor???? Who would have thought?

Well, by now you’re probably asking yourself, “Where the hell is Tony going with all this?” Okay, that’s a fair question and this is the reason why I’m putting this out there into the “cyber-spacey-thingy”.

Many thoughts and feelings have come my way, since Robin passed on. I have discovered exactly what Robin was talking about. Allowing the ME to be Men Alive. And the ME that is Men Alive is not the “me” that used to be Men Alive. There’s no way in hell I’d go back there again. Confusing yes? Or maybe not…because you’re already there, and I’ve just caught up.

To explain this a bit better, I really love searching the Bible for Truth and I have not been one to rest on any religious thought about it, in fact it would be fair to say I detest religious thought…even though there is a bit of Truth left hidden within religion, but it’s becoming very scarce. As it turns out, I discovered a number of keys within the pages that have bought me to a realization that God…yes…the God of the Bible is real. But not in any way the same as the God of any religious structure. Just a bit of useless information for you, the Bible is a book full of psychological treatments that have been replaced by pills…but you need to read it on a very personal level to get anything from it…let alone direction to discovering God. The “Kingdom of Heaven”??? Yep that’s there too. To think it is one thing but to experience it is another. To experience the Kingdom of Heaven you may have to discover what Hell is first…and that is why I’m writing this…you may already be living in hell…but you can get out of it just as quickly as the change of conversation with Robin! Here’s the key though, without an understanding of the reality of God and how God works, you will not “Enter into the Kingdom of Heaven” whatever that may be for you. We may or may not have been taught anything about God at all, but the crux of it is this: Whatever your thoughts and feelings are about God…that is what you are creating in your life. Because essentially, your thoughts and feelings about God are exactly what you think and feel about yourself. In fact anything you think about whatever is outside of yourself is the reflection of your self. When we discover the Truth of God…it all changes because we give up the control and hand it over to the “God”. In short we begin to see and feel that we are NOT God, but God is Us. Yes, it’s a paradox but it’s real enough. Tony is Tony…but…God is Tony…Tony is NOT God (none of us are God but we sure as hell act like it sometimes!!). And the realization of this has changed everything within me. Just as the late JC discussed with Peter some 2000 years ago, the fact that “I am One with the Father and the Father is One with Me” is exactly the same for us right now. What am I suggesting? Absolutely nothing!! I am merely sharing with you my experience of the God that I have searched for, for what seems like an eternity, but with a huge difference. God cannot be just a thought, God can only be experienced. When you experience God…life takes on a completely different meaning and drastic changes occur. Again, it has nothing to do with thought, but it is one fantastic experience, and one worth fighting the ego for.

In writing this I realize the there may be some who might say that “Tony has gone off his rocker”…well let me tell you…you may very well be correct but I’d rather be off my rocker in this way than stay anyone else’s “normal”. And I need to emphasize, that because I use the Bible…I am not a bible basher, religious and I certainly do NOT want you to follow me. Yuk!!!! The mind is what I work with, and the mind is what I can teach you how to change. Because the mind is the thing that gives us the most trouble. Understanding how to conquer the mind in the correct way (and I’m not talking about “mind over matter” or having to use your will power) will bring the peace you have always wanted. That’s what I do…that’s what I will teach if you want it.

So, Men Alive is changing; morphing into what Robin and Julianne knew it could be. A place of restoration and regeneration without judgment, mixed with a whole heap of love (shaken not stirred), where the miraculous is more than a possibility, where the miracle becomes you and your healing of the issues you present, where men can learn to become One with themselves and their partners, where their partners can trust their men again, where families will become reunited under a different structure…a structure based on love unconditional, where disconnection is a thing of the past and unity is restored.

That’s pretty much all I want to say at this stage. Have a great day all.